In the spirit of Big Data, with everything from our political leanings to our shopping decisions quantified and collected and run through countless algorithms, we conducted a survey to gather as much info as we could about modern surfers. The results, listed below, were shocking.
- 52% of respondents thought the Italo Ferreira was a new Italian sports car.
- 55% of surfers admitted to regularly peeing in their wetsuits. When participants were reminded that this was an anonymous survey, the figure rose to 100%.
- 34% of surfers under the age of 20 believe Occhilupo is a Caribbean island featured on "Naked and Afraid" and that a Tom Carroll is the name of a cocktail poured in "Mad Men."
- 67% of surfers have found their biggest barrels while tucked under the shower of a lawn sprinkler.
- The number of professional surfers who have attempted to order a pizza from their phone while inside a Teahupoo barrel remains at 1.
- 13% of high schoolers in San Clemente, California, have been suspended at least once for overt references to Uppers and Lowers, which were assumed to be stimulants and depressants, respectively, by uninformed vice-principals.
- 98% of movie-going surfers believe super-coach and former World Tour surfer Glenn Hall did a bang-up job as the voice of C-3PO in Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
- 25% of all surfers report purchasing a GoPro over the last year. Of those, 80% report that friends and family have displayed absolutely no interest in watching their footage.
- 72% of respondents would "totally paddle out on an uncrowded day at Pipe."
- 1% actually would.
[Editor's note: "Corndogging" is a satirical column in which we take serious surf issues, dunk 'em in the ocean, and roll them around in the sand for awhile.]