Things We Wish Patagonia Would Make Next

Patagonia's making beer now - why stop there?

And a 7mm for the big fella.
And a 7mm for the big fella.

Patagonia recently announced that it’s selling beer. It’s called Long Root Ale, and it’s made with a super sustainable kind of wheat called Kernza that you can probably make wetsuits and down jackets and fishing waders from. At least I assume, anyway. And you can pair that beer with Patagonia’s sustainably farmed or caught or hatched or—I don’t know how they do it, really—salmon, or maybe some nice grass-fed buffalo jerky. They make that, too.

Is it weird for a clothing/gear company to get in the food and beer game? Guess that depends on how delicious those suds turn out. But in the spirit of broadening horizons, here’s what we think Patagonia should jump on next.

Beard in a bag Technically, all you need to grow a beard is enough testosterone and some time. But what if you’re lacking either and you want to surf a mysto point in Oregon but you’re afraid your naked chin will be an affront to the hirsute locals? Open up a package of Patagonia “beard in a bag,” and apply that soft, cruelty-free harvested beard hair right to your face. Problem solved. Wilderness cred gained.

Edible jacket If I’m paying $400 for a down parka, I sure as hell better be able to eat the arm off it if I’m caught in the backcountry with no food.

Sustainable, carbon-free, guilt-free gasoline I’m no chemist/geologist so I don’t know how this would work, but I don’t care because man it would be great to pull up next to a Prius at the gas station, start pumping that sweet Patagonia gas in my truck, look over at Prius guy and be like, “Hey, shut up, it’s SUSTAINABLE.”

Magic wetsuit beans Remember Jack and the Beanstalk? This is exactly the same thing. Except instead of a magic vine that you can climb to a fairytale castle in the sky, you plant these babies in some potting soil, give ’em a little sunlight, and in six short weeks, you harvest a fully-grown, pesticide-free wetsuit. They’re making wetsuits from plants already—cut out the middleman, is what I’m saying.

Wood-burning cell phone Battery life is a problem when in the wilderness. Amount of twigs is not. Put two and two together here, Patagonia. You get a phone with near-eternal battery life and the sweet smell of a campfire to keep you cozy while you’re Instagramming every step of your hike.