After the Apocalypse

In case the Mayans are right...

Photo: Ellis

STRATEGY: “My first move after the Apocalypse would be to gather as much food as possible. My next move would be going up to the hills in Pupukea, to stay hidden due to features of the land, all while hopefully having a good vantage point if somebody comes. There are lots of coconut and fruit trees up there so there’s food to survive on, and water, and you could keep pressing deeper into the island, away from others hopefully.”

LIKELY RESULT: While Rusty Long gathers health food and fills his backpack, Healey, Dorian, Slater, and Bourez have already moved into the hills. Rusty, practiced in the art of ditching other surfers while retreating to his beloved secret spots, manages to avoid the roving gangs of murderous street fighters and disappears into the canyon.

Alone, Rusty sits cross-legged on a patch of grass, communing peacefully with butterflies as he eats papayas. Long considers what comes next: Some afternoon yoga? He checks his iPhone again, hoping to check the latest swell models—perhaps those firestorms will super-charge an XXL system? Still no signal. Rusty sighs. He won’t be able to upload that Instagram photo of his butterfly friend.

The next morning, Rusty makes his way deeper into the hills, where he finds a cool pool of water. He notices footprints in the riverbank, and follows them to the base of a waterfall, machete drawn. BAM! Michel Bourez is upon him, falling onto his prey, and slitting Long’s throat in one clean motion.