Hey Kelly Slater, Rob Machado, Christian Fletcher, Brad Pitt…We Have Money For You

We here at SurferMag.com are good guys. At least we’d like to think of ourselves as such, and similarly we’d like everyone else to think so too. But the actual definition of good is an elusive, mutable beast that takes varying forms for each person depending on their own beliefs. Modern day conventional wisdom suggests that money is good, except when you don’t have any of it, which unfortunately is very often the case for most. And for our purposes (which are in themselves implicitly contradictory) we will agree with that wisdom. Aside from the top professionals, surfers are notorious for having financial problems; it’s part of the lifestyle—we sacrifice wealth for hours in the water. This is something that we here at SurferMag.com would like to change.

For 45 years we have, as a magazine, based our lives and livelihoods around professional surfers and we think that it is high time that we did something in return. Luckily, as we contemplated this ideal, secretly taking great pride in our completely unselfish intentions, we stumbled across the California State Controller’s Office website (http://www.sco.ca.gov), which currently is holding more than $4.1 billion in Unclaimed Property. These assets have been turned over to the State for safekeeping by businesses and other organizations as required by law. What’s more, you can search the online database to see if you (or anyone you know) have property that, be it through ignorance or lethargy, is yet to be claimed.

This of course suits the “good guys” at SurferMag.com down to the ground. We can give back to members of the surfing community by simply making them aware of the fact that they are owed some money, without requiring the denting of our wallets or the actual use of our brains.

Now that we had found this free-flowing conduit to channel our altruistic whims, all that remained was for us to search out the names of some influential California residents.

Here’s what we found:

In keeping with our attempts to be kind, we’ll start off with Christian Fletcher, who, to be honest, we doubt would have bothered to read past the word “lethargy,” but in case he did, we’ll let him know that he is owed $355.53 that was given to the government for safekeeping by a company called Talent Partners. I imagine $355.53 can buy a few more tattoos. Also, a man by the name of Nathan Fletcher has been paid $58.22 in wages by the Taco Bell company, so Nathan, if you ever worked shoveling low-grade beef into taco shells you might as well reap the fruits of your labor.

I guess this could be called a public service announcement and should probably treated as such. So: If anyone runs into three-time World Champ Tom Curren in the near future, would you be so kind as to tell him that the California State Controller’s Office has $77.55 of his? Thanks.

Speaking of ex-World Champions, Shaun Tomson is due $83.77, thanks to the State of Hawaii, who evidently like him more than some of the North Shore locals he beat down on his way to becoming a Pipe Master and World Champion.

And as long as we’re on the topic of ‘North Shore’, it should be noted that actress Nia Peeples, who played the lovely Kiani opposite Rick Kane in the iconic sub-cultural film North Shore The Movie, is owed roughly $2553.87 from Nia Peeples Publishing Inc.

Since a man by the name of Robert K. Slater (his friends call him by his middle name) has graced our pages and covers so many times over the years, we feel it especially necessary to inform him that he is entitled to a royalty check for $72.23, which was owed to him by the American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers, which incidentally is the same society that owes close friend and one-time band mate Robert E. Machado a royalty check on the order of $114.19. Judging by a substantial increase in royalties one would assume that Rob was the musical brains of the operation.

It’s not only the surfers themselves that we feel the need to pay back. What about a good deed in lieu of service rendered? Which is why we feel the need to let Sam George know that he has an unclaimed, unnamed object being held clandestinely by Washington Mutual Bank in a safe deposit box. Could he be the same Sam George that used to edit this humble magazine and is currently its global editor? If it is, what could this mystery package be? Could it be something naughty? Illegal arms? Or could it simply be the plans for a top-secret technological breakthrough in surf-Speedos? For his sake we hope it’s a suitcase full of cash, because judging by the ranting done by the current editorial staff, it is something that he could be in dire need of.

Someone who probably doesn’t need cash as badly as the edit-donkeys at SURFER Magazine is our good friend and CEO of Billabong, Mr. Paul Naud, who can pick up his $98 insurance claim check whenever he may feel the need to.

While we are on a roll we might as well let our beloved Governator know that he is owed $248.49. Who knows? Maybe he’ll reciprocate our good deed and put the money to good use. Possibly use it for a pressing environmental issue or even donate it to the State’s education budget, but that’s just a suggestion.

Yes, this is hard evidence that we here at SurferMag.com are good people, kind, caring and selfless. We don’t exploit the athletes that appear on our pages and on this very website. We care for them, look out for them. Maybe even love them. We love you too, dear reader, and if we knew all your names we would look your name up too. But we can’t do that so instead we’ll give you the address to do it yourselves. Log onto http://www.sco.ca.gov/col/ucp/index.shtml and you may find yourself or your friends some money.

Oh, and by the way Brad Pitt, I know you don’t surf but we were too curious to let your name go unsearched. Warner Bros. owes you 34 bucks.