My Surf Wax is the Best Surf Wax

Or maybe it's not—let's vote

The best surf wax is Sex Wax “Quick Humps.” I firmly believe this, and will maintain this belief for the next six months or so until I decide I’m tired of the way it smells and purchase a bunch of Sticky Bumps wax instead. For the next six months, THAT will be my favorite wax, and I won’t believe I ever used Quick Humps until I tire of seeing the purple Sticky Bumps wrappers strewn throughout the bed of my truck, and I will buy a case of Quick Humps again.

This has been an ongoing war in my wax preference for at least 15 years. I tried Bubble Gum wax once and, I don’t know, it probably worked, but I just don’t like the name. Mrs. Palmers wax smells awesome and for some reason strikes me as the coolest wax, but my surf shops don’t sell it, so it ain’t part of the cycle. I’m aware that there are artisanal hipster waxes out there, but the very concept makes me feel ill, so I refuse to consider them.

The strange part about the mysteries surrounding wax choice is that when I open a fresh bar of wax, I actually expect to see some sort of performance benefit or detriment based on which brand of wax it is. This is irrational, I know, because when I’m out of wax, but find a slimy, sand-covered nub of mysto wax rolling around the bottom of my disgusting wetsuit tub, I’ve got no clue what brand it was but it always, always works the best.

What do you think?

Does the brand of surf wax even matter? (Yes, no)

Do you secretly believe that the scent of surf wax helps performance? (Yes, no, of course not you idiot)

What brand do you use, anyway? (Sex Wax, Sticky Bumps, Bubble Gum, Mrs. Palmers, Fu Wax, Overpriced hipster wax)