Week in Review was birthed in March. It became a home for the obscure stories/photos/Tweets/videos that were largely ignored by the “serious” “surf news” sites. It became a year of procrastination, disguised as a diligent weekly interweb search for the important, yet bizarre, occurrences of the surf world. Here are the highlights from a year of hard work.
Alana Blanchard Turned 21
Guys drink beers on their birthdays. Alana Blanchard, Laura Enever, Nage Melamed, Monyca Byrne-Wickey, and Coco Ho do this.
World-Class Athletes or Homeless People?
Perusing the Top 34 on ASPWorldTour.com, one comes upon these three top-notch athletes.
“Brah, what’s up with the Wave Jet?”
Sterling Goes to France
Why are dubious foreign-accent voice-overs so funny?
Pirates Invade Lowers
This has been all over the web this week, but in case you missed it, here you go…
On Wednesday, Slater appeared on E!’s nighttime talk show with Chelsea Handler. A quick recap of the show: Kelly plugged his girlfriend’s bikini line, then he plugged Quiksilver, then Chelsea referenced Baywatch, compared Kelly to Laird, and called him “tiny.”
Anastasia Ashely Appears in Playboy
We know you read it for the articles, because, of course, the journalism is incredible: [from the intro] “With her bronze, taut exterior and her compulsive need for adrenaline the surf Betty is the modern sea goddess.”
Or the most uncomfortably serious commercial since Water is the Essence of Moisture?
There Were Drugs In Huntington Beach on U.S. Open Weekend!
Just a mile from the U.S. Open mayhem at Huntington Pier this past Sunday morning, lifeguards spotted a small fishing boat filled with three Mexicans. Of course, they immediately assumed they were smuggling drugs or illegal aliens. According to The OC Register, once the men realized they had been spotted, they turned back to sea and were seen throwing a package overboard. The Orange County Sheriff’s department then pursued the boat and arrested the men at gunpoint, making sure to pose for a few photos so that they can update their Facebook profile pictures once they returned home from work.
The Most Awesome Video on the Interweb
It might just be the best surf movie in existence.
Bobby, as Bert
Bobby’s rant in his post-heat interview sure did fire you guys up. People were angry. And yelling! On our message boards, and Facebook, and our website! At the ASP! At Bobby! Venomous rage! So serious! This video takes a lighter route (thanks, ASL).
The Geekiest of Surf Trips
We received an e-mail this week from a reader named Andre Price who is a self-professed “star wars geek” and “Stormtrooper who is enjoying his trip around the globe without the empire armed with a surfboard.”
Bedtime Stories with Buttons
This is from 2007, but it’s epic.
Well Done, Daniel Tosh. Well Done.
Surely you’ve seen this. It’s been Tweeted, re-Tweeted, Facebook linked, e-mailed, and faxed 8.7 million times since Wednesday. But in case you’ve been snuggling with yourself under a rock this week, here you go. The line was certainly crossed, but overall he nailed it. Click here to see the whole thing.
Three Minutes of Girls Without Faces
Steph Gilmore Shows Us Her Boobs, Too
In the third annual ESPN Magazine Body Issue, which just hit newsstands, former World Champ Steph Gilmore posed for this sexy nude photo.
Laird and Oprah Discuss SUPs
Not new, but neat.
Don’t You Wish You Could Surf Like Flynn?
Or sing/play guitar/dance/song-write/make videos in iMovie like Flynn Novak’s uncle Rick?
Shark! Shark Surfing!
Last week, we shared the tale of an Oregon man who claimed to have “surfed” on the back of a shark. Here is a lovely reenactment courtesy of the world wide web.
#I’mSoDamnExcited Photo of the Week
Jamie O’Brien Rides a Turtle, Enrages People
Last night, I received an anonymous tip via text (below left) about a big story on the news in Hawaii. A Google search revealed a report by KHON 2 News that expressed Hawaiians’ outrage over this photo of Jamie O’Brien (right) that turned up online. Watch the video of the newscast here.
Mark Mathews Has Cojones
The big-wave charger is proving his fearlessness goes beyond the lineup with his recent appearance on an Australian reality show, “Surfie Wants a Wife.” According to the show’s website, “Local surfing legend and all round super hunk, Mark Mathews, is single & ready to mingle – but he’s up for something a little more than a disco pash – this Surfer wants to bag himself a wife.” Watch Mark drink a large, romantic glass of milk with a few contenders:
Wilko Has Nap Time, Cops Disapprove of Public Naps
Matt Wilkinson was arrested on October 22 after a Newport Beach resident reported seeing a drunk man asleep in the street. Wilko was detained for being drunk in public. According to the Sydney Morning Herald, “Wilkinson, 23, who declares on his popular blog ‘I’m superbadass and the women love it,’ was picked up in the wealthy coastal suburb of Newport Beach, south of Los Angeles.” Awesomely, multiple news media outlets chose that particular quote from Wilko’s blog to explain the incident. No charges were made, and Wilko was released after he had a nap in a Newport-approved sleeping area.
In Other Wilko News…
This video is awesome.
Dane, a Bungalow, and a Falcon
This week Rolling Stone featured a story on Dane Reynolds’ aversion to competitive surfing. In it, they included this lovely depiction: “Reynolds shies away from most interviews, preferring to spend his time away from surfing in the study of his bungalow in Ventura, where he lives with his girlfriend, and their a pet falcon. He reads philosophy and writers like Charles Bukowski.”
In light of the ASP’s recent numerical blunder, the kids over at Australia Surfing Life created this little number. It’s beautiful.
It’s still unclear why people believe animals want to surf.
People Who Don’t Know What They’re Talking About
I wish I could say this was a parody.
In Other Ridiculous Stand-Up Paddle News…
An American Girl doll was recently released with a stand-up paddleboard as her definitive accessory. Should we be worried?
Sally Gets Sexy
You know her as the fierce competitor who battled Carissa for the World Title in 2011. Here, we see a more naked, less aggressive Sally Fitzgibbons in this month’s edition of “Stab Persuades Surfer Girls to Take Their Tops Off.” Oh, and then Erica Hosseini one-upped her.
Cory Lopez and His Small Child
Even if you’re one of those people who thinks kids are gross, you should watch this. It’s amazing.
The Richest Surfers in All the Land
According to BRW’s Rich List, an annual ranking of the Top 50 Australian sports and entertainment earners, Taj Burrow (No. 25 on the list, makes $2 mill a year), Mick Fanning (No. 27, $2 million), and Joel Parkinson (No. 47, $1.5 million) are the richest Aussie surfers. Stephanie Gilmore (No. 48, $1.2 million) and Julian Wilson (No. 50, $1.2 million) rounded out the list.
This week, Dane Reynolds presented us with his “Declaration of Independence,” in which he explains, “i’ve been getting some pressure from various people and/or websites to write something, sorta like an official statement concerning my exit from the world tour. my dismount. my pirouette…” It’s a long, sparsely punctuated opus in which he levels with us, explaining, “i feel like a baseball. the skins been carefully pried off and there’s a thread and i’m gonna pull it and i’m gonna end up a pile of string on the floor. but then maybe i’ll be knit into something more useful, like a sweater. or perhaps something beautiful, like a hand embroidered masterpiece of a deer and two fawn drinking cold clear water out of a creek.” And then Sterling Spencer wrote his own. Click here to read it.
Morgan Maassen’s Strange Photo of the Year
SURFER photog Morgan Maassen consistently captures odd images. And Craig Anderson, he had the best year ever, as far as hanging out and getting photos taken goes. We crown you both masters of your craft.