I didn’t know that word existed in the Internet dictionary. But it does. Somewhere.
Two weeks ago, John John Florence and five of his finest surfboards took flight with JetBlue. The airline charged him $500 to bring those five fine Pyzels on the plane. It is assumed that JetBlue used that money to acquire a 1998 Dodge Caravan from a speed dealer, which they used to repeatedly run John’s board bag. The result looked like this.
The Internet was pissed. They grabbed their pitchforks (iPhones) and torches (wifi) and stormed the @jetblue Instagram page. Hell was unleashed. Insults — ranging from thoughtful to thoughtless to funny to a little bit psychotic — swept in like a flood of biblical proportions, obviously.
What wasn’t so obvious was the fact the the Internet would be resiliently pissed — that the anger wouldn’t just blow over like it did when the ASP changed its name to the WSL or when Brett Favre sent that dick pic. The JetBlue fiasco came to light two weeks ago and angry comments are still trickling in to Jet Blue’s page today. In the beginning, I even lobbed a few derogatory but I think it’s time to draw the line. We need to put this thing to rest.
Now here’s the catch. I’m all for belligerent strangers blindly lobbing insults at big/corporate Instagrams. So, as we solemnly say our goodbyes to the great JetBlue fiasco of 2015, let us all take a moment to pay our respects and, in tribute, heckle a few more corporate Instagram accounts.
Now here’s the other catch. There’s a lot of good in the world, too. So, in your route today, I encourage you to incorporate some positivity into your incoherent rants.
I’d like the honor of leading the way.
@chanelofficial. Nature: Bad. Reason: They stole Danny Fuller from us.
Your perfumes smell like under-penis
@pert_plus. Nature: Good. Reason: Cheap, effective hygiene.
Shampoo? Conditioner? IN ONE?!?! You’ve got to be kidding me, Pert Plus is fucking awesome!!! (. Y .)
@arbys. Nature: Bad. Reason: Once got sick after eating roast beef there during a very dark time in my life.
@arbys is like Wendy’s whore cousin.
@homedepot. Nature: Good. Reason: One stop shop for all things home improvement.
@homedepot has a penis that hulks like the Bernese Alps.
@homegoods. Nature: Bad. Reason: Everything is gaudy and girls take forever in there.
Heard Charlie Sheen caught AIDS at @homegoods
@usinterior. Nature: Good. Reason: Trees?
If I could fornicate with one sect of the US government, it would be the @usinterior. #oldfaithful
@windmillhotdogs. Nature: Good. Reason: Not technically a corporation, but I once ate there drunk in New Jersey.
YEAH BABY! ROCK AND ROLL WOOOOOO!
@hertz. Nature: Bad. Reason: Charged me cleaning fee for like three grains of sand.
Want a @hertz donut? No? Then how about I just sit on your face?