Dear Jamie O'Brien,
Before we get into it, I want to make it clear that I'm only saying this because I love you. I'm saying this because I care, Jamie O'Brien. You are inherently heroic. You won the ASP Pipeline Masters as a wildcard and then set the ASP rulebook ablaze. You self-produced full-length videos and they were always a thrill. You reset the precedent for tail-slithers on the dark sands of Bali. You landed rodeo flips on sections that most decent men wouldn't dare touch. You had talent and panache, and the surf world had never seen anything quite like you. You, Jamie O'Brien, were amazing.
But since those Freakshow glory days, your limelight has dimmed. You've gone from shining star to runaway comet. Once radiant and sturdy, now volatile and potentially hazardous. Your movie introductions used to consist of playful North Shore knockoff scenes and now they are embellished with champagne and dubstep — a horrible concoction. It used to be Jamie VS Dane, but it's starting to feel more like Jamie VS Kenny Powers. We're now at a turning point. We've arrived at that scene in Good Will Hunting when Ben Affleck says he's going to kick Matt Damon's ass if he doesn't put his natural gift to use. You have something that nobody else has. And if you don't attend to that, it's going to haunt you.
And now, Jamie, a plea. I beg you to nip the horseplay and concentrate entirely on your surfing. You owe it to the entertainment-hungry common man. Put your head down and win another Pipe Masters. Land more rodeo flips. Self-produce your own surf videos that will blow our minds. Invent something new, and light more things on fire. Go back to being Jamie O'Fucking Brien.
The Jamie of old:
The Jamie of now:
The Jamie of the future….