Elevens is a series of posts devoted to this smashing new year of ours.
We dispatched our crack team of surf pundits to suss out a preview of the months ahead. Today, we offer 11 things we’re pretty sure will come to pass in 2011, maybe.
1 The Parkinson Pattern
Parko probably should win the world title this year, but he won’t because of a mid-season injury below the knee. Then in Hawaii he’ll blow doors and defend his Vans Triple Crown title, despite losing in Round 3 at Pipeline. This is exactly what happened in 2009. It’s exactly what happened in 2010. Not broken, don’t fix.
2 Stand Up Boogie
Spongers will develop a stand up paddle boogie board, on which they paddle (standing) into a wave, drop to their bellies to ride it prone, and finally stand back up to paddle out again. Aaaaand we’ve reached the utter depths of backwardness.
3 The Red Bull Uniform
Red Bull team riders will just start having the company’s logo caps surgically stitched to their heads, because it’s simply easier than always having one handy for photo opps.
“I’m saving so much coin on shampoo now!” Julian Wilson, in uniform. Photo: Ryan Foley
“Yeah, it’s great, the sutures barely even bleed anymore.”Red Bull has Conner Coffin all stitched up. Photo: Jimmicane
4 Surf Eugenics
Target’s sponsorship of top American juniors Kolohe Andino and Carissa Moore will be revealed as an experiment in breeding supergroms when the two surfers “happen” to start dating. Whatever. We’re pretty sure the Australians have been doing it for years.
5 The Good LoserSteph Gilmore will cede her ASP women’s world title after going four for four since 2007. She’ll afterward explain, “For 22 years I’d heard about losing, and I wanted to try it for myself.” Steph doesn’t want to be pigeonholed as “that girl who only knows how to win.” Photo: Jimmicane
6 ‘CT & ‘QS Revival
People will keep saying “WCT” and “WQS,” even though neither exists anymore — because the new ‘QS, or “Star and Prime events that contribute to the ASP World Ranking, but not including ASP World Tour contests (which alone determine the ASP World Title ratings)” doesn’t really roll off the tongue.
7 Brazzo RedemptionOn the backs of its young stars, Brazilian surfing will develop a new, positive connotation. This time we’re sure. (Or is that a “2012” thing?) Caio Ibelli “surfs like a Brazilian,” whatever that means. Photo: Jimmicane
More evidence for #7:
[Edit c/o our Twitter follower @Vinicius_Maciel. Obrigado.]
8 Fantasy Land
Fantasy surfing will fully take hold of our community, giving closet surf geeks a healthy outlet for pent-up knowledge of the ASP Top 34.Random dudes have been telling Jordy Smith he’s on their “fantasy team” for years. Now he won’t have to call the cops about it. Photo: Sherm
Facing environmentalist opposition, tow-ats will go green. Watch for horse-ats (below) and bike-ats to explode. Eventually, tow-at surfers will just switch to skimboarding, and no one will miss them.
10 The Search
The 2011 Rip Curl Search will be in South America.
“No, Indonesia — that was the whole point of Tip 2 Tip.”
“Actually, someone at Rip Curl told me it’s San Francisco.”
“I heard Brazil.”
“It’s gonna be in Portland, Oregon.”
“Next year’s contest? Nah mate, they won’t even tell me.” Mick Fanning and Kelly Slater at the 2010 Rip Curl Search in Puerto Rico. Photo: Sherm
11 Death of Tarp
Tarp surfing will die — but slowly. So it suffers.
Let us know if we forgot anything. Elevens continues tomorrow with more keen surf insight from the year to come.