The Dunkin’ Donuts sign at our subway stop says: “6 Donuts $3.99. Make New Friends.” I love donuts. I love a lot of things. I love horses. I love America. I love texting. I love when people who love sports but don’t really play sports say things at their television like, “Not in my house!” and, “That’s what I’m talking about.” It makes me wanna be a winner. I love friends. Friends are important. I like when I make new friends. Here are some of the new friends we’ve made in New York City:This is Lenard Smith. He’s a photographer from San Diego. I saw Lenard about six years ago at Lou’s Records in San Diego where he used to work, although neither of us remembered this. I was jealous of his hat collection back then and I still am now. I do not recommend jealousy. I would ask Lenard things like, “Hey, which Johnny Thunders album is the best?” And he would say, “L.A.M.F. is killer, son!”
Lenard loves boogie boarding. He can recite all kinds of useless boogie knowledge and is always talking about getting “barreled.” He’s a reggae expert and dabbles in DJ-ing. He has 1 bazillion records. He’s an amazing photographer and only shoots film. He’s self-taught and graduated with his Master’s degree in photography without having his Bachelor’s. They let him skip that shit ’cause he’s a badass. His photography website is Lenardsmith.com. Lenard Smith is also charming.This is our nice handsome friend, Mac. He is a champion — a real winner. Mac has a very interesting story to tell. One time he told it to me.
“I got circumcised at age 5…and I remember it.” His mom took him to Target afterward and told him he could get whatever he wanted. Mac got a battery-powered, fully automatic Waterhawk water-gun made by Entertech. This advertisement was very instrumental in his purchasing decision:
In Mac’s later years he regretted falling prey to such powerful marketing, and wished he’d had a clear, unpersuaded young mind that day so he could have chosen the much more obvious product, a Nintendo. “I should have gotten a fucking Nintendo,” he says.