It’s a strange scene, Black Friday. Blonde hair everywhere. Shopping bags hitting people in the face. Deals, or something. We compiled a few tips to help you navigate the wild American mess.
Illegally set up a used board sale in the parking lot at Sports Authority. Convince every Bob and Dick that baseball kids are ridiculed in elementary school, football is a path to heroin and basketball is just plain dumb. The brownish 6’4″ Bushman you bought on that trip to the North Shore in college will keep their kin safe and cool, promise.
Go to a suburban mall and attempt to coerce shoppers into sleeping with you. Great deals have a certain affect on those people. Like cats in heat.
Buy every single surf-related Christmas ornament from amazon.com. Time to think of a new gift, Aunt Jane.
Contact your local pot dealer and see what kind of specials he or she is offering for the day. After all, you’re going to need a nice place to put those those Poinsettia flowers on Christmas day.
Stock your pockets with leftover turkey breast to nibble on periodically throughout the day, ensuring you stay fit, fueled and utterly psychotic.
Ignore everything. Go surfing. —Brendan Buckley