Inconsistency. That’s what makes surfing beautiful. That’s what makes surfing frustrating. And that’s what makes surfing ineligible for comparison to skating and snowboarding. Those two sports have ramps and rails and half pipes and stupid pale skin (boom roasted). They have consistency, but all we have are forever-changing, unpredictable, unique waves to try and perfect our craft on. Surfing Australia is changing that.
Check out their training facility in the clip above. Initially, I wanted to scoff. Skating can’t help your airs, I thought. But then I remembered my education at the Worldwide Journalism School and did some research. I asked Eric Geiselman — who skates insanely well — what he thought. He thought it looked amazing.
“That’s the best simulator for practicing airs. They killed it with that.”
Shit. Now what. Can we send Mick there?
Or, with surfing possibly being included in on the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo, does that mean we have to build one in America? I vote yes. Democracy, baby.
If surfing is really in the Olympics, I need America to win. Don’t want it, need it. And as Vince Lombardi once said, “Winning starts at practice.” We have to get off to an early start here, America. We have to assert our dominance from the get-go. We have to get into the heads of our competition and stay there, raising hell, until gold dangles from our necks.
Let’s build one these, but let’s build it bigger and make a flamethrower go off every time trucks leave the coping. Let’s build a mote the outside and put exotic and maybe even a few endangered animals in it. Let’s involve Bruce Springsteen somehow. Let’s hire blonde chicks with big fake tits to be the filmers and let’s put bald eagles on our helmets. Let’s America. And let’s win. —Olympic Surf Coach Candidate And Guy Who Makes Up Vince Lombardi Quotes Brendan Buckley