What, a prodigious entourage flocking to Lemoore and crushing the internet yesterday, and you thought a list wasn’t on its way? Here’s my rapid-fire classic roster for Kelly’s Wave, based on who might plumb the pool’s best attributes.
This is a two-for-one. Simon is a late middle-aged surfer (62) who still has chops, and he's a big fella as well (6' 3", maybe 220). It'll be depressing to see, but I'm guessing Simon will muff a drop or two before windmilling out to the shoulder for a long, somnambulate piece of climbing and dropping. I'm not in Simon's league skill-wise, but like him, I am much bigger and older then the surf-pixies Kelly invited to the last pool party. The rest of us deserve a place at the table. Kanoa Igarashi is light and quick and wonderful, but he does not speak to my surfing soul. When Simon rides, I ride with him.
Dial the machine back to 2, blast "Girl, You Don't Need Makeup" over the pool loudspeakers, G&Ts all around, and have Slater push Amy into soft little runner — our way of saying "Thank you" to the gods of fate for not letting the potty-mouthed Queen of Comedy bleed out after taking a fin to the thigh as a high school surfer in Long Island.
By the time your read this, a 30-second tuberide at Kelly's pool will be as hot and now as a Ted Cruz campaign update. Let's give 12-year-old Maui supergrom Eli Hanneman a golden ticket to the pool so we can break the internet for a day or so looking at a 30-second stand-up tube.
Josema Odriozola and Greg Webber
Odriozola is a Wavegarden engineer and co-founder. Webber is the man behind Webber Wave Pools. The competition, in other words. Both of their heads are filled with awe and hate and fear and respect for Kelly Slater. Invite them to the pool. Let them surf. Then, as the sun dips below the horizon, drive back to town — just Kelly, Josema, and Greg; no media, no handlers, no wives or girlfriends — to Lemoore's under-new-ownership Wrecking Bar, lauded on Yelp for having "cute girls," "decent pours," and "cool security." Let the three wavepool titans drink and talk and fight and sing in peace.
A horrifying, life-threatening wipeout in Kelly's pool? Doesn't seem possible. But let's bring Garrett in and see.