The ASP Is Buying Everything

Round 32014’s ASP fortresses. Photos: Jimmicane and Corey Wilson

Just like the title told you, the ASP has been on one hell of a spender bender ever since ZoSea took over. First they bought the Big Wave World Tour, which was a great pickup. Big-wave surfing has a warm place in the heart of the mainstream, why not own that real estate? Then they bought the XXL Awards, another excellent purchase. You already got the BWWT, might as well get all the best big-wave shit that happens outside of contests. And they just now bought the Triple Crown of Surfing, which, redundancies aside, is another A+ acquisition. The Triple Crown is one of the best titles in surf, treading the line between tradition and modern relevance so beautifully.

But where do they go from here?

That’s where I come in. I’m an advocate of the sport, but I’m also an opportunist. I see prosperity where others see merely thin air — it’s like a Sixth Sense sort of thing. So, to Paul Speaker and all the other hog-swingers at ZoSea, here are my suggestions for your next few purchases. You’re welcome. —Brendan Buckley

The ISA: And turn it into a traveling monster truck derby because monster trucks, fuck yeah!

A Zebra: This might sound weird at first, but think about it in terms of the webcast. Lull? No problem, pan to the zebra for ten seconds. Everybody watching will be like, “What the hell was that?” and you’ll be like, “Oh, it’s nothing, really. Just our zebra.” Instant respect.

Blockbuster Video: And what was that shitty version of Barnes And Noble? They should buy that too.

Willian Cardoso: There’s probably some sort of internationally respected law that prohibits (or at least frowns upon) the buying and selling of live human beings, but come on ASP, live a little. You don’t want Willian Cardoso on your team, you need him on your team. He’s Buffalo Bill. You can dress him up like Batman and put him on the webcast. You can make him spray people during expression sessions. He could even look after the zebra. Buffalo is a must-own.

The Garden of Earthly Delights By Hieronymus Bosch: It’s a power symbol. Last I checked, the NFL doesn’t own any fine pieces of art. Boom, ASP > NFL. It’s logic.

The Rights To Pamela Anderson’s Sex Tape: This is mostly to balance out Bosch. Gotta keep everyone guessing, keep ’em on their toes. Know what I mean Paul Speaker?

CJ Hobgood’s Sponsorship: No brainer. Just shut up and pay him a lot of money.

The Singapore Aquarium: From here on out, every ASP ceremony could be held at the S.E.A. aquarium. I see what you tried to do at the banquet this year, what with the fireworks and all, but why firework when you can stingray? Plus, it’s southeast Asia so strippers humidity.

Coachella: And shut it the fuck down.