Bruce Ain’t Here Right Now (and you shouldn’t be either)

Bruce Irons on the internet.
Photo: Sherman

We thought the Internet was the future. According to Bruce Irons, it is not. And we're fine with that.

By Chas Smith

I have always had an uncomfortable suspicion that that the Internet is patently uncool. Like, the worst. That stylish websites such as Gawker and them-thangs and gofugyourself mask the very soul of nerd. I know Steve Jobs and Bill Gates have more money than Brad Pitt and George Clooney. I assume Tom Anderson and Mark Zuckerberg do too. But I try and bury my fears. Try and think, "No. This Internet business is technological progress. Like, radio to TV."

And I call the perpetually cool Bruce Irons.

"Bruce" I say. "What websites do you go to these days? What are your favorites?" He answers, "Aaaaaaaaah maaan. Ummmmmmm, you know, I still don't know about the computer, honestly. I don't go to any at all. My wife will go on and go to Surfline and I'll read over her shoulder, but that is it.

Bruce Irons welcomes you to the new
Photo: Jimmicane

Shiiiittt...." My suspicions are totally confirmed. He continues. "I wish it was, like, programmed into me or something. That I would want to be able to do stuff on the computer. I think I had a computer typing class in high school, but I still only do the two finger chopsticks. I am jealous of people who get around that shit easily." I correct him. "No no no. Don't be jealous. Everyone who gets around this shit easily should be morbidly ashamed. It isn't cool at all. None of it." Bruce laughs, "Hahahahahah, yeah it looks like a lot more work. Well, whatever, I can use my iPhone, I just can't fucking send emails. And my wife can get on to Surfline for me...wait, who do you write for again?" "Surfing" I answer. "I mean my wife can get on Surfing for me hahahaha."

Welcome to the new Bruce ain't here and neither should you be. Get embarrassed.