A pastiche of moments from Coolangatta, as witnessed by SURFING’s roving reporter, Jed Smith.

Give Kelly a bottle, he’ll drink from it. Proven fact. Like Ron Burgundy with a teleprompter. Photo: Sherm

1. Finally! The secret to Kelly's longevity is…no, come back sir!

As Kelly returned to the press area after eliminating 16-year-old wildcard Matt Banting in Round 3, he was stopped by a weathered, middle-aged Australian man. In a lightning exchange, the man jammed a two-liter bottle of orange goop into Kelly’s hand, telling him, "From Yamba [a surf town on the NSW mid-north coast]." Kelly said thanks and slid the bottle onto the awards ceremony stage as he showered.

Inside was a homemade liquid that had been transferred into the bottle. On it was written what looked like an "R & X" in black sharpie. As Kelly rinsed, it appeared the bottle would be left discarded on the stage — but before he fronted the media, Kelly picked it up. He then conducted interviews while holding it.

After the interviews, I searched out the man in the crowd and asked what was in the bottle.

"I didn't give him the bottle. Nah, not me. I didn't see nuthin’. Don't know what you're talking about," he said in that raspy monologue you sometimes hear among the career pot smokers who live in Australia's coastal enclaves. He then scurried down the beach, collected two boards and a kid (presumably his son) and bailed.

Michel Bourez is a highly desirable man — and in just no minutes, no times a week, you can be too. Photo: Sherm

2. Want your body to look like the Spartan's? SURFING will Show. You. How.

Among the event's standout performers was Tahitian Michel Bourez. The Spartan, as he is known, is the finest physical specimen on tour with his stomach and latissimus dorsi muscles carving ripples through his contest singlet. And his top turn and roundhouse cutbacks more of a spasm-ing body torque than smooth arc. After one of his heats, we asked how he got to looking so good and what his training regimen was.

SURFING Magazine: Michel, you look to be in amazing shape. I was wonde—
Michel Bourez: Oh, thanks.

Yeah, no, that's okay. So um, yeah, what sort of fitness regime are you running with?
I don't really have a fitness regime. That's just the way I surf and that's the way I am. I use the swiss ball most of the time for stretching but not that often. I train when I can but I eat the right food every time (Note bloated Americans and Australians: You don't get to looking like the Spartan by chasing a surf with Wendy's). That's the main thing about surfing right now. You have to be ready mentally and physically.

3. Bucked by the rodeo

Had Wilko stuck the rodeo flip in Round 3, it would have been his 31st successful attempt of the move, as well as his — and arguably history's — best. Wilko says he blew it at the easiest stage.

"I got really excited half way ’round [spinning on the face] and was like, 'Yes, I've done everything right,’ and spun a little bit too quick. It was more excitement that knocked me off than anything else."

He also revealed that, despite providing a worthy substitute for Dane Reynolds at the Quik Pro, it's not a position he's aiming to fill.

"You see guys like Mick (Fanning) and Jordy go out, and they have the ability to do the big turns but they won't go for a 9 when they only need a 7 at the end of the heat. You see Dane do that sometimes and it costs him events. He hasn't won an event yet and he's probably the best surfer in the world. I'm not gonna let myself fall off tour just because I wanna do a big air or rodeo or reverse or something. I don't have the profile to be a freesurfer and do what I want. I need to stay on tour. I need to mix surfing on tour and smart heats with excitement," he said. —Jed Smith

More of the mess they don’t show on television tomorrow in Part 2 from Jed “Scoop” Smith.