You’re Not Going To Get Eaten By A Shark

This is a Great White shark. Photo: DJ StruntzThese are sharks. They will not eat you. Photo: DJ Struntz

Everybody needs a smart friend. A person that you can come to with questions. A person with a brain that thinks better than yours. A person with answers. In 2015, the Internet is that person. (It’s also your doctor, entertainer, bookie, the guy who sets you up with your wife, your drug dealer if you’re really stupid, a convenience store, your friend’s older brother who gives you your first nudie mag and subsequently offers you a pill that he claims will make your penis bigger…but that’s beside the point.) Hell of a guy, that Internet.

It seems as though a lot of people have had questions about sharks lately, mostly because attacks are being reported left and right (mostly right, as in the right coast of America). Is the ocean getting more dangerous? Are we all going to die? What makes a Great White so great anyway?

We can answer the last two question for you. White sharks are called great because they’re fucking massive and yes, everybody is going to die at some point — just probably not at the jaws of a shark. Stanford (heard of it?) is about to release a study that claims shark danger is down 91% since 1950. How they arrived at those numbers is beyond us. It’s still comforting though, no? You can read a preview of it here. The article sprawls off into explanations of why you shouldn’t shoot sharks in the face with rifles (looking your way, West Oz) and safe ocean going behavior. Compelling stuff, really

In conclusion: you’re probably not going to get eaten by a shark. And if you do, blame Stanford.