How To Get Laid

_CW04793Lay lady lay. Photo: Corey Wilson

Note: This is not an informative article on the theory and method behind finding a sexual partner. If you were hoping for such, the first step is to not seek counsel from on how to court a lover. The rest is pretty much touch-and-go.

It hasn't been pretty, but it has been beautiful. Genie-blue water and soft white sand — the kind that squeals when you walk — under a sun that rises too early, sets at the perfect time for a drink and annihilates every bit of paleness in between. Beautiful. Just not pretty. Not in terms of swell.

The waves have been flat. Like, California small or Virginia Beach firing or North Carolina probably worth a morning session, but definitely Australia flat. And the problem is there's no plausible end in sight. Different websites are churning out different forecasts but none of them are churning out an oasis, or even a mirage, of a good swell on the horizon. That feels good though, doesn't it?

There's been talk of running some heats just beyond the rocks at Snapper — at the lovely in a whorish kind of way wave known, affectionately (sometimes) as D-Bah — and there's been talk of how they can't run at D-Bah because D-Bah is in New South Wales and the contest permit is through Queensland. Speculations will be speculations.

And the ocean will be the ocean. It might surprise us with a swell that, for a brief and fleeting moment in space and time, leaves a bright stain on the memory banks of the professional surfing fan. Or it might sit on the couch all day in boxers, watching Netflix with a hand platonically placed down the pants, eventually calling out for Chinese and tipping the driver only 7% because is there even such thing as a service charge in Shanghai?

We shall see.