Jimmicane’s Passion Picks: 2013 Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast

Jimmicane's Passion Picks: 2013 Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast

I was torn on doing these things anymore given their history. The Passion Picks Curse has lead me to question if I should continue to doom people I want to see succeed by picking them for my fantasy team. But this year I have a new weapon: odds. Odds probably created by some surf geek with handwritten books of statistics and scores, because you sure can’t find any of that shit on the Internet. Maybe it’s Dave Stanfield’s weirdo nephew or long lost son? That would not surprise anyone.

The odds are from sportsbet.com.au. I can’t actually bet because I live in this great country of America and we aren’t allowed to participate. Probably a blessing in disguise considering how shitty I typically do with picking. Not this year though! Let's do this!

Taj Burrow

This guy's success at Snapper Rocks is as certain as death and taxes.

2012- 1st

2011- 2nd

2010- 1st

2009- 3rd

2008- 9th

2007- 3rd

2006- 2nd

Since Christmas, he's been at home cherry-picking magic Mayhems. Do you really wanna go up against that?

People will lose heats against Taj in this event simply from eye contact with Johnny Gannon.

Kelly Slater

I did have Parko here. Then I pulled a last second audible. How many beers do you think Joel's had since December 15th? Probably nearly as much as me in that time. Not a good thing. Beers make you fat and slow on a surfboard.

The monkey is finally off his back. Where's the motivation get pulled from now? I remember when Steve Young threw 6 touchdown passes to blow out the Chargers in Super Bowl XXIX. He never got back. Parko will hang around near the top for a long time, but hangovers are taxing. Slater hasn't lost consecutive World Titles since the Andy Irons reign. No way he goes out a runner up. You better believe Quiksilver has those #12 hats and tees saved somewhere in a warehouse.

Adriano De Souza

Adriano's surfing is proof that style does not factor into an ASP judge's score pad. I’m not saying that as an insult to Adriano. I’m saying that he simply does not care about his style and is only working towards one thing: winning the next heat by punishing each wave with as many maneuvers possible.

As fucked up as it sounds, the last time Adriano didn’t make it past Round 4 at Snapper was 2008. Just for perspective’s sake, Alana Blanchard became legal the day after that event. Kelly had only eight World Titles to his name.

Jordy Smith

Somehow Jordy’s movie, Bending Colours, was seen and forgotten about faster than Yago Dora's backflip. It barley showed up on the surf world’s radar despite being pretty damn incredible. The only explanations I can come up with are: Kai Neville followed his mentor Taylor Steele into mysto-land; or people keep searching for the correct spelling of “colors” and come up scratching their head.

Sportsbet.com.au has Jordy and John John tied with odds. Jordy's cheaper, more pissed off, and won’t have the distraction of 1,000 Gold Coast groupies trying to follow him back to Rainbow Place Apartments after every surf. Gotta go with Jordy.

Kolohe Andino

Now we get into the value/sneaker section of Passion Picks. People always like to talk shit in the comments like, “You’re stupid for not having Fanning on here!” and “No Parko? Fuck you Jimmigayne.” While it may be clever to slip the word "gay" into my name, you geniuses have to understand how a budget works on these fantasy sites. Kolohe is cheap, and after a clear struggle early last year, he’s grown into a man ready for primetime. He’s America’s Mick Fanning.

Nat Young

Sportsbet.com.au likes Nat a lot considering it’s only his second WCT event ever. The way this Santa Cruz kid kicks it on his backside, I don’t blame them. My only worry is he gets matched up against a more celebrated Hurley team member, which seems likely considering their tour roster.

For instance, say Nat meets Julian Wilson in an early round. Would it be surprising if all of the sudden his wax has soap on it? What if that didgeridoo guy on the rock gets paid to sabotage him with a voodoo curse? I’m just saying, watch out for some Shooter McGavin type shit Nat! Listen to those songs I sent you and bring the choppers out the closet!

Don’t let this be you!

Dusty Payne

Fingers crossed he doesn’t get injured in the next few days.

Dane Reynolds

This is a low risk, high reward pick. Part of me thinks the anticipation from the huge crowd might cause Dane’s anxiety level to rise so high that he ends up in a psychiatric ward before his Round 1 heat. The other part imagines him sitting in the lineup with 30 seconds left, comboed, needing a 17.67. Out of remorse, Kelly gives him one last wave so Todd Glaser can nail a photo for next year’s Quiksilver Pro poster.

Amazingly, Dane gets the score and goes on to win his first trophy since the 5th grade art show. Craig Anderson and Woody (ASP Security) hold his hand up the beach because Dane refuses to be carried. Napkin Apocalypse films with her high-8 cam for the ender section in Craig’s big budget movie. Kelly quits competition for life. The highlight clip unfortunately gets bumped off SportsCenter Top 10 for footage of a pelican catching a foul ball during a Yankees spring training game.

Go to fantasyactionsportsleague.com and sign up with your own team. Fantasysurfer.com is a piece of shit. Would you rather win up to $2,000 for 1st place at the end of the year, or a free ticket to Hawaii? Plus there's way less competition on this site and way more options to win cash. I’m very unselfish for telling you about this. You’re now my competition.